Floundering around in a sea of uncertainty. Grasping at whatever shred of familiar self-definition I can find. Collapsing under the pressure that is my new reality.
I’m going to have to give in and reinvent myself.
I have officially been a mom for one month now. I could make my standard argument that I’ve really been a mom for 13 years, it’s just my children had pointy ears, tails, and whiskers. But you’ve heard that song before. I can skip that refrain.
The truth is, I wanted to be a mom. I did this to myself. I wanted a little kid to take care of, raise, show the world, help with homework, etc, etc. I knew I’d have to fight through the fussiness and lack of sleep. But I didn’t realize it would be this hard.
Before DC was born (DC for Daughter Cat. Check the About page for definitions), I had people laughing at my declaration of maintaining ME time. Maintaining my Identity. “My me time is my morning cup of coffee” they’d say. “There is no ME once there were kids.” I find that sad. You cease to exist when the child is born? NO. I can’t. I’ll die.
And to that end, I am struggling. I’m fighting the annoyance that comes when another day ends and all I was able to do of the stuff that makes me HAPPY, was check my email. No computer game time. (Seriously, I’m asking for an hour.) No scrapbooking. No writing. No podcasting. But the dishes and laundry are caught up. And the baby is changed, fed, and…relatively…happy. (As happy as a fussy constipated gassy baby can be.)
DAMMIT.
So I swear to you now. In this blog…my forum for all my rants…that I will continue to reinvent myself until I get that me time. I’ll fight for it. I have to. Somehow, in the next few weeks, I will get in some time for all the things I enjoy. I may even exercise. And DC will still be changed, fed, and happy. This will work.
And this blog, well, if it gets a little more baby-topic-oriented, I’m sorry. It’s just what’s happening around here. But bear with me. I’ll figure this all out. And I’ll find the ME that can handle all this. I have to be in here somewhere.
