This is really rough. The realization that I am, in fact, not capable of being a 24/7 Mom. Oh I’m her mom, don’t get me wrong. But I just can’t be “on” 24/7. Burnout commences after awhile. And with burnout, comes Crankiville. And seeing as how I tend to keep a vacation home in Crankiville that I visit often, shoving me on the commuter train to Crankiville isn’t a good idea.
The thing is, I know what can counteract my burnout. I know myself well enough to know I just need some semi-regular ME time. Now get this…before DC was born, I had people telling me there was no such thing as ME time once you had kids. One person even told me her ME time consisted of a cup of coffee in the mornings. That’s it.
I’d have believed that, except for a few things. First of all, my MOM had some ME time. I remember her going off to Jazzercise or bowling on occasion. I remember her building dollhouses and miniatures. I remember her sewing and knitting. I also know she made dinner, helped us with homework, did crafts with us, and spent all sorts of cool mom time with us.
Second…shortly before DC was born, I heard an interview with a “celebrity” in the scrapbooking industry. She stated that she loved to scrapbook before her kids were born, but people were telling her that once she had kids, there would be no more scrapbooking. She actually scrapbooked more AFTER they were born.
So ok then. If 2 people can find ME time with kids, then it’s possible. And it is possible. So what’s my problem?
You want to know the REALLY weird thing? It’s about WHOM I feely the guilt TOWARDS.
Yeah no, it’s not DaughterCat. It’s HubbyCat.
All I want to do, is go up to my craft desk and scrapbook for a couple hours every other week. Or I’d really, REALLY like to get my first ALT in WoW up to 80. Or at least level 75 so I could do some of the Cataclysm Events with her. She’s stuck at 74. Or even weirder yet…I’d like to maybe spend 20 minute or so communing with the elliptical or moving to the pilates tape. (I know…me? Exercise? Yes, it’s that bad.)
I don’t do these things. Why? Because I feel FREAKIN’ GUILTY. And the kicker…HC hasn’t said a WORD. I sit at the computer, in the same room with DC, keeping an eye on her in the swing….or I give her a bottle in the living room, while watching tv….or, even better….I leave her with HC while I make all these wild attempts at doing laundry or cleaning or something. And I feel guilty.
The thing is, what am I ultimately accomplishing here? Driving myself insane? Is it somehow more acceptable to ask HC to watch DC while I do housework, rather than doing something fun? Because honestly, you know what he’s doing? He’s either sitting in his chair next to her swing, playing WoW himself, or he’s sitting with her watching a movie on Netflix that I wouldn’t have watched with him anyways. (I don’t go for movies.) He truly enjoys hanging out with his daughter. Hence the reason he’s told me “hey, go ahead and go do what you want.”
And yet I don’t. I keep myself from doing the stress-relieving fun things. I keep myself from logging into WoW or picking up my photos, because I feel guilty. Because I know I don’t want to have to sit with her every night, so I worry he doesn’t either. And I know that’s ME transfering MY feelings onto HC, because he told me he’s totally fine with it. But I do it anyways. Why? Is it a female thing?
I need to figure how to get past this one. When push comes to shove, I don’t want DC to grow up believing that she’s not allowed to have ME time, or enjoy herself….that she has to be a slave to that kind of guilt. Because she doesn’t. My soon-to-be strong, confident, kick ass and take names later daughter, the beautiful creature who will take over ruling the world in my absence, who will be self-sufficient and not have to rely on men to get by….no, that feminist in the making, shouldn’t be a slave to guilt of her own making.